i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I didn't notice because vodka
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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