Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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