My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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