Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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