I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Two words: nipple clamps
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