I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
