dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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