if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
