I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
