Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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