I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
