Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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