Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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