I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
