This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
