I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
