who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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