I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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