I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
