Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
my liver is dry heaving
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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