Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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