They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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