i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
