If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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