I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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