I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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