Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
