Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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