they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
