Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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