I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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