Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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