barbara walters just said penis...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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