I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I understand Curling. That high.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
