sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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