My liver just broke up with me...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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