then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize