im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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