The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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