I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You are the jesus of drinking
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
