Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
