if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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