We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
