i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
bring money and cleavage
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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