Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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