He kissed a someone with a penis
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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