So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
