Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
