the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
