Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
