i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How does it feel to date your dad?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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