The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
