he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
