You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
