I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
