I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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