first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
