so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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