You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
bring money and cleavage
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Randomize
