You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
